Grateful and Strong

As I sit here meditating, gratitude overwhelms me, for those who have been there through my triumphs and struggles. Gratitude for myself follows with a deep realization that I am strong beyond my own beliefs sometimes. I am strong beyond my fears, strong beyond my worries, in spite of my anxiety and periods of depression. I am my own rock, amidst a sea of rocks that support my foundation. I sometimes feel like I wiggled out of place from the other rocks around me. I sometimes feel like I’m going to crumble into sand, and be swept away by the ocean of negative thinking and doubts. Then I remember the other rocks around me will help keep me in place even if I feel unsteady. And I remember that I can keep myself in place by remembering that I’m a rock and not sand. For that I am grateful and continue to believe that I will stay strong.

Time Game

After all this time,
waiting,
wondering.
Riding out the cycles,
of agony and relief,

Started out with hope,
unaware of the game.
Slowly seeing,
A long ride it might be,
Before finding the light,
at the end of the tunnel.

After all this time,
Decision still not made,
Wrapped up in red tape,
This is no gift,
Even worthy of a nemesis.

Beginning to wind down,
Hanging on to strands of hope,
Not many remain.
Little by little,
falling away,
leaving emptiness,
In its path.

Pain and Joy In Life and Love

Pain, sometimes strong, sometimes week

Joy, sometimes strong, sometimes week

Pain, do they know? Do they really? Do they believe? Does it matter?

Joy, this they know, they see the smile, they do believe

Pain in the body, the strains of life and work

Joy, the food of life, work, passion

Pain in the soul, The strains of love, loyalty, trust, connection

Joy brings light into the darkness of pain, warming the soul, helping love grow

The idea of me

The idea of me,
the softness,
sweet demeanor,
beautiful smile,
loving eyes,
gentle touch.

The idea of me,
seemingly easy,
open mind,
willing to listen,
loving nature,
sensual curves.

The idea of me,
different than reality,
strong in my beliefs,
love for everyone,
steadfast compassion.

The idea of me,
just a fantasy,
much more to see,
multifaceted personality,
complex mind,
wings may be tucked in,
but never clipped.

The idea of me,
let it go,
try to see,
the real me,
all that there is,
strength and challenge,
Joy and struggle,
bright and dark,
beautiful and messy.

The idea of me,
it will fade,
then all you will see,
is the real me,
will it be,
what you imagined,
it would be?
Or just the idea of me?

Insurance With No Assurance

It seems ridiculous to me that people have to buy insurance that does not work until you pay more money then you could afford in order to see the doctor. So, I’m divorcing my husband and I’m stuck with his insurance, that I cannot use, because I cannot afford the deductible and copays together. He thought he was helping me out. He was doing me a favor by not taking me off his insurance, when I asked him to, during open enrollment. Now, I have no recourse but to wait until our divorce is final to get off the insurance. Then, I might be able to get health insurance free and get seen for the situations that I’m dealing with now. This is the way Health Care is these days. I sure hope we find a new president and new political system that will allow us to have health insurance that we only have to pay for once not multiple times. People should not have to pay thousands of dollars, out of their pocket, that they don’t have because they’re sick or injured. It is no wonder so many people refuse health insurance and show up at Urgent Care centers emergency rooms. It is a ridiculous system that we have in our country.

Those Days

So today is one of those days. You know, those days when you feel like nothing makes you feel good even though there’s plenty of things to be happy or grateful about. Days like this you feel like you should be happy but you’re not; you’re not sad, well, maybe a little, but you’re not especially happy. Maybe it’s because it’s raining and these kinds of days feel more lonely than other days. Days like today you want to just curl up at home and comfort yourself with your sweet doggie and kitty. I find myself thinking of things to do on these days to keep warm like cooking or just curling up with a blanket and watching TV. Days like today I miss being in a relationship more. I miss having that person that’s there for you when you come home; someone to give you a hug, to tell you you’re doing great. So, I remind myself that that person came home with me, that person is myself. I’m reminded how important I am to myself and that I need to keep my own head up on these kinds of days. It’s just another gloomy day cloudy and raining. So, I just resolve the fact that these days make me miss my children, my grandchildren, family; someone to connect with and feel comforted by. So, I will spend today with my kitty and doggy, letting them comfort me and comforting myself. Maybe I’ll make some phone calls to connect with people and of course I’m working on my writing as I speak. All of that is very comforting on days like these.

Changing my life

It is now February of 2016. I am now a few weeks away from filing the default judgment for my divorce. I’ve learned many things in the past few months. But, in terms of I thought I had for a marriage, now I realized wasn’t what I thought it was or had hoped it was, or could have been. I feel good, all though sad that it has come to this. I feel as if a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I feel a sense of calmness that setting in. I feel a new sense of freedom, free to really change my life and make it what I really wanted to create for a fulfilling life. I feel like I can move on and keep fulfilling my own dreams and goals without the restrictions that I felt were holding me back. Yet, every now and then I sent a small bit of sadness that creeps in from time to time. It’s a sentimental part of me the more emotional part of myself that wants to feel like I succeeded in a relationship. I guess I catch myself thinking that I failed. But, if I really used to look at it differently, I have succeeded In loving someone to the best of my abilities. I’m working more and more on learning to make choices about what to believe, choosing to be grateful for the learning experiences that I’ve had, and to look at it as an experience. It doesn’t matter if I failed or succeeded. I have learned many lessons from the experience, or the collection of experiences of the past 6 years. I have grown through these experiences. They have helped me to understand and get clarity on what it is I truly want. So, I can choose to be thankful and choose to move on with the new skills that I’ve attained through my experiences. I think it is true that people come into your life even just for the reason of giving you the experience, and experience you haven’t had yet. This happens so that you can grow and move on from where you are and a certain period of your life. I believe this, or at least it’s what I choose to believe because it feels better to look at it in a better light, a more positive light. And so, my life changes, once again, in a big way. I say goodbye to a marriage that had its good times and challenges. In the end we grew apart, now we both move on and change our lives in the waves that will continue to help us grow. I can’t say for sure about him, but I know all that is true for myself. And right now that’s all that matters. I choose to embrace the change in my life. Change is good.

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